Tomorrow Eve

I suppose we all get to points where we wonder if what we've spent the last few years (or many more in some cases) has been worth it... or where it's going. It's easy to wonder about the future when the present is confusing. For me, right now is confusing. Not a whole lot... and not painfully so, but i wonder alot about things and how they are going to tun out. Maybe too much. Maybe it's the caffeene. It makes me think alot... and not neccesarily in a morbid way, but i just think. And i dont just wonder about me, i wonder about others too. I know a number of people who are in a commited routine but want out. Easier said then done tho. In my case im wondering whats next. I have ambitions that would take me in alot of different directions... some related, some not. I like all the art stuff... im caring less and less for the automotive aspect of it tho. It's nice to have these opportunities, but like so many others (i've heard), you do so much for so little to start out to get your name out there. This makes sense to a certain extent. For example, when a new restaruant opens up they sometimes offer free samples or coupons to get the ball rolling- give peoplea taste and let them decide for themselves if its worth spending actual money next time. Repeat customers in my field is rare, but it does happen. But usually if i cut a deal the 1st time, they wig out when it's more expensive the next time and decide not to go thru with it. But in most cases there is not repeating anything. I meet a customer, talk with them about their ideas, reitterate with a cooler idea and then we move into cost and the deal is off. My lack of experience also certainly lends it hand in these unsuccessful attempts at being paid for work. It's not always like this though. Occasionally i get a customer who can afford the 1st number i say and it works out great because i dont have resentment towards the job and it comes out excellently. This is seldom however. I take enough pride in what i do to do the best i can no matter what the income. This only helps me take pretty pictures in the end and feel good about how i've done. This does not pay the bills tho. Im certain it's something i dont know or am doing wrong. I've had people tell me to turn away the customers who only want to pay a little- but they're all i can get so i hang on. I think geographically were in a tough area for certain arts. Not impossilbe, but difficult to stay busy. I have other aspirations tho too... things that i haven't spent enough time doing to hate yet, but no time to try. Like anyone else, i want things to all work out. But im not nieve enough to continue on the path im on to hope for the best. I know something has to change or i need to try something different... good old trial and error will set me straight soon, im sure. I do know that things will work out. For me, and the others who wonder about the direction things are headed. We're here to figure it out, and the bold ones make it happen. Life is a big puzzle... many pieces left for our interpretation and sorting. Thats the adventure. I've enjoyed my adventure and i kno there is much more to go. I enjoy the freedoms i have everyday that i kno most others dont have a choice about. I have a good life and i hope it stays that way... but like anyone else, i wonder about the future. It's just the caffeene talking tho.

Tomorrow eve means Today. I came up with that becasue i recognize that people seem to spend more time looking forward to a day then actually enjoying the day itself. That makes the day before much more exciting then the day of. The build up. The excitment. It sledom ever comes close to our expectation. Thus the Eve of that day is the best day- Christams eve, the day before your birthday, thurdsdays... all much better then Christmas, your birthday and friday. So the phrase is a word trick- looking forward to the day before the day after today. That, my friends, is Today... the day we should look forward to. Who knows about tomorrow and who cares about yesturday.